A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any flippin' bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any flippin' bread, ask me again and I'll nail your great, ugly beak to the bar!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.




A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma and is asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine.

Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

This is the best definition of a Congressman that I've ever heard

Training for U.S. Congress



An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

No more jokes please i cant stop laughing

Its time for the public vote

Simply vote above for the person you think posted the funniest jokes!

I have only ONE!!! Vote me!! Dial 1800-777-Vote-Fendi

"denephew" lol! I'll have to use that one, I hate I missed the deadline.

thank you for those who voted for me and who will be voting for me , i was about to post another one, but will reserve it on the next day, just to spice up a little bit

Looks like you're in the lead Mann....by alot Congratulations

thanks vanessa, end the voting end the voting , congratulations also to those who participated.