This one is for all us women of the forum


Beware of the Body Snatchers-NOT A HOAX!!!

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Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day...

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick.

I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.

You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR WIVES, GIRLFRIEND, AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS!!!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

A horse walks into a bar to order a beer. The barman says "Hey cheer up things cant be that bad, whats with the long face"

early bird catch the worm i believe

My first one for the Competition

The CEO



A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."


Will comeback with more.

* New Year - Employee Rules and Regulations*

**Dress Code*

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do
not need a raise.

************

**Sick Days**

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

************

**Personal Days**

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

************

**Toilet Use* *

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's
mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe
in and out from the toilet doors also.

************

**Lunch Break**

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a slim fast.

************

**Mails**

Don't read junk and forwarded mails.

************

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations,consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

*The Management.*


Look out for more rules in my next replies.

I love this one, because I'm Southern AND Blonde


A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived in a casino
and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
"Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down.... and
squealed..."YES!
YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know...I thought you
were watching."

Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men.......are men.

and there goes another one
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."


A boasting American said to O'Connor, back in the States we can erect a block of skyscrapers in about 2 weeks. O'Conner replied, we can start a row of houses in the morning and on the way home from work the bailiffs will be putting the tenants out for being behind with the rent.


Mick was showing an American some Irish marrow's and the American said that they had gherkins as big as marrow's. Then Mick showed him some cabbages, the American said that in the States they had brussel sprouts as big as them and that American cabbages are about 3 feet in diameter. Eventually the American pointed to some old gasometers and asked what they were. Mick replied there saucepans for cooking American cabbages.


An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collidon a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''


Irish toast: May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.


Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell.
So that he will look forward to making the trip


When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!


His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan.

another one for you
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area" he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer but I'm not fishing, I'm reading".
"Yes but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up"
If you do that, I'll have to charge you with ***ual assault," says the woman.
But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
That's true but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment."
Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side!